|
What
is Anger?
The
Nature of Anger Anger
is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild
irritation to intense fury and rage. Like other emotions, it is
accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry,
your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your
energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline. Anger
can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry
at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a
traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by
worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic
or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings. Expressing
Anger The
instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively.
Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful,
often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to
defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger,
therefore, is necessary to our survival. On
the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object
that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place
limits on how far our anger can take us. People
use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with
their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing,
suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an
assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express
anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs
are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive
doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of
yourself and others. Anger
can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when
you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something
positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it
into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is
that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn
inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high
blood pressure, or depression. Unexpressed
anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions
of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people
indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them
head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile.
People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything,
and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively
express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many
successful relationships. Finally,
you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward
behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to
lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
When
none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or
something—is going to get hurt." Anger
Management
The
goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and
the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or
avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change
them, but you can learn to control your reactions. Are
You Too Angry? There
are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings,
how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are
good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If
you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and
frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this
emotion. Why
Are Some People More Angry Than Others? Some
people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get
angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There
are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but
are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always
curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get
physically ill. People
who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low
tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they
should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or
annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly
infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being
corrected for a minor mistake. What
makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be
genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born
irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present
from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often
regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express
anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a
result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. Research
has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people
who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic,
and not skilled at emotional communications. Is
It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?" Psychologists
now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a
license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it
rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does
nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the
situation. It's
best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to
develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the
edge. Strategies
To Keep Anger At Bay Relaxation
Simple
relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help
calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you
relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call
upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where
both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you
to learn these techniques. Some
simple steps you can try:
Practice
these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a
tense situation. Cognitive
Restructuring Simply
put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse,
swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner
thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and
overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones.
For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's
terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's
frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's
not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it
anyhow." Be
careful of words like "never" or "always" when
talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine
never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are
not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is
justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also
alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work
with you on a solution. Remind
yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't
make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Logic
defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly
become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself
that the world is "not out to get you," you're just
experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time
you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more
balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness,
appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone
wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't
get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't
met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive
restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding
nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words,
saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying,
"I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're
unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal
reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some
angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that
doesn't mean the hurt goes away. Problem
Solving Sometimes,
our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable
problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a
healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a
cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our
frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best
attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding
the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem. Make
a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your
best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right
away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and
make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to
lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem
does not get solved right away. Better
Communication Angry
people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those
conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a
heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't
say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think
carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully
to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Listen,
too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain
amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant
other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts
complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your
partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck. It's
natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back.
Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this
person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient
questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but
don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of
control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a
disastrous one. Using
Humor "Silly
humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it
can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and
call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop
and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work
and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a
"single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full
of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the
phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head
about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual
thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury;
and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation. The
underlying message of highly angry people is "things oughta go my
way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that
any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and
that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but
not them! When
you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a
supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space,
striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer
to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more
chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable;
you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really
are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just
"laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself
face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic
humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression. What
these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too
seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by
ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh. Changing
Your Environment Sometimes
it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and
fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel
angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the
people and things that form that trap. Give
yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time"
scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful.
One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she
comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom
unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she
feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up
at them. Some
Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself Timing:
If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at
night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just
habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so
these talks don't turn into arguments. Avoidance:
If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by
it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you.
Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have
to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself
calm. Finding
alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a
state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map
out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find
another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train. Do
You Need Counseling? If
you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an
impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you
might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A
psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with
you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and
your behavior. When
you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have
problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her
approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of
action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express
them"—that may be precisely what your problem is. With
counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to
a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the
circumstances and the techniques used. What
About Assertiveness Training? It's
true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than
aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are
aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more
passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others
walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do.
Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating
situations. Remember,
you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could.
In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you
anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled
with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others.
You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events
affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making
you even more unhappy in the long run.
|
||