Home

What are some causes of resentment?

It seems there are fairly universal cause of resentment. Most of us are likely to feel resentful when:

- Others try to tell us what to do, how to run our lives, what we need, what they think is best for us

- Others tell us what they think we should do, how they think we should feel, how they think we should act.

- Others feel and act superior to us.

- Others act in hypocritical ways.

- Others deprive us of our needs.

- We see those in power abusing their power and hurting others who are less powerful

- We feel falsely accused, judged, prejudged, discriminated against, labeled, ignored, attacked, hunted, persecuted, underestimated, invalidated

- We feel lied to or lied about.

- We reactively think that resentment gives license for revenge or restitution.

Letting go of resentment

Bad things happen to everyone. Some people are able to release emotions easily. Others find they are holding feelings such as grudges and anger. When these unexpressed feelings build up, they become resentment.

So much has been written and said about anger that sometimes a person may feel it is never okay to be angry. The truth is that anger is a natural emotion. It is normal to feel angry sometimes. It is also okay to express your anger. Expressing your anger at the right time and in the right ways will prevent you from feeling resentment. Resentment does not hurt the people you are angry at. It only hurts you and those who care about you. Letting resentment build up can eventually affect your physical health. It always affects your emotional health.

Expressing anger in the right way helps avoid feelings of resentment. These are some rules that will help:

• never hit anyone to express your anger, no matter what the cause
• try to deal with your anger as soon as it is appropriate
• address the current situation, not the whole history of conflict
• express your anger in terms of how you feel
• do not put the other person down and
• try to come up with helpful suggestions for the future

Suppose you made a mistake. Someone might say: "You're stupid. You never do anything right. I hate you. You always do this. You don't care about me. You'll never change." Another person might say: "I felt unhappy when you did it that way. I would feel better if we did it this way next time. I know that we can work together to fix this problem." Which would you rather hear?

When you know you have to deal with a hard situation, such as having a family member with a severe illness, it may always seem unfair. Learn to cope in other ways such as using yoga or meditation. Maybe you are the kind of person who needs to work out your resentments with running or biking. Perhaps you could release your feelings through music or poetry. Use what works best for you.