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What Do People Feel Inside?

Many emotions arise from living in a family of addictions or other trauma. Due to the “survival rules” that are developed in traumatic situations, these emotions are often repressed. If these emotions are not identified and resolved, they will create anxiety that requires repression. The buildup of repressed emotions is so powerful that an individual becomes susceptible to addictions providing psychological relief. Identifying and understanding these repressed emotions provides an opportunity to witness the personal effects of addictions and family trauma.

Rage

In troubled families, the rules are rigid. Responses to the rules are black and white, and allow for very little grace. A child learns that the family’s desires are most important and his needs as an individual are not. Children learn that they are to sacrifice themselves for relationships, peace, and the wants of the family. Family rules state that “you either love me or you hate me, there is no in between.” The reality is that the person is loved for being a family member; yet, at the same time, they are hated for the embarrassment, emotional pain, broken promises, and abandonment that is the reality of dysfunctional families. This love/hate conflict is not allowed to be discussed or resolved, resulting in feelings of rage.

Rage is a seething and sometimes violent emotion—anger in the extreme. In a family of trauma, the origin of rage stems from a primary unresolved conflict involving love/hate relationships. Individuals love their family members for who they are. They hate them for their actions that create pain and chaos.

Rage is like a coin with two distinct and opposite sides. The amount of anger and rage a person has within life speaks directly to the depth of unresolved hurt and fear that they feel. In the same way, the amount of hurt and fear within an individual's life speaks directly to the amount of anger and rage that is also present. One emotion does not exist separate from the other.

If anger or rage is a pervasive problem, it may be covering a depression or another deeper emotional concern.

Emotional Hurt: Pain

Families of trauma suffer from issues such as separation, divorce, addictions, and death. The result of these losses is often pain caused by repeated broken promises, ignored commitments, and violations of trust. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse wounds the soul of the victim, leaving a legacy of pain. Emotional hurts and pain are unavoidable byproducts of living in families of addictions and trauma.

Survivors of family trauma commonly work hard to avoid repressed pain. Pain becomes an emotion synonymous with feelings of vulnerability. For a trauma survivor, vulnerability is to be avoided at all costs. This mindset leads to a continued lifestyle of pain avoidance and does not allow a healthier approach that acknowledges and works through painful life situations. The denial of pain allows repressed emotional hurt to build, making a person vulnerable to the relief offered by addictive behaviors, such as alcoholism, pornography, or work addictions, among others.

Fear

The unpredictability of a family of trauma creates fear. Fear, anxiety, and stress become a primary part of a person’s survival protection system. Addictions, conflict, chaos, and abuse create an insecure family atmosphere. Because of this uncertainty about family relationships, children growing up with family trauma learn not to trust others. Fear creates a perception that all relationships and life situations are potentially precarious and, as such, need to be treated with distrust.

Anxiety is a form of fear caused by the expectation that something potentially hurtful is about to happen. The anxiety created by the unpredictable nature of family trauma requires that a person develop an attitude of hyper-vigilance. Being vigilant means searching the horizons of life to identify potential trouble that may be coming in the future. “Hyper” involves intensity. Hyper-vigilance creates a lifestyle of anxiety, often about situations that rarely, if ever, materialize.

In families that involve abuse, fear is the result of living with real danger. Emotional, physical, or sexual maltreatment requires survival skills that include becoming sensitive to the emotional climate of the family. Many individuals that come from abusive families develop a fear-focused emotional radar used to anticipate dangerous situations.

A common response to living with anxiety and fear is worry. Worry is a fear-based attempt to control the future. Persistent lifestyle patterns of worry create increased levels of anxiety and fear.

Inadequacy

A common theme in families of addictions and trauma is, “Nothing is ever enough.” In these situations there is little or no family acceptance or recognition of individual achievement. Often children will try to achieve in order to generate pride within the family. The child who looks to the family for praise, recognition, and validation is treated as selfish and needy. For many, this battle with inadequacy and a need for family recognition is acted out well into their adult lives.

One component of inadequacy is the illusion of perfectionism. If a person does not get family recognition for achievements, it is difficult for them to accurately evaluate success and accomplishments in adult life. Often this results in a quest to be perfect. Perfectionism can never be achieved, leaving an individual’s self worth susceptible to perpetual feelings of inadequacy.

Loneliness

Loneliness is the experience of being a member of a family but not feeling the bonds, respect, or companionship that exists in healthy families. In families of trauma, each member feels that they are not important. Other issues, such as family problems, addictions, frustrations, and extended family issues, become the primary focus. The needs of each individual are largely ignored, resulting in a sense of unimportance and loneliness.

In an attempt to fill the void of loneliness and inadequacy, people often are attracted to other unhealthy relationships that re-enforces this dynamic.


Abandonment

Abandonment is a parental relationship issue. In most families of trauma, the relation between a child and one or both of the parents has been damaged. Issues such as abuse, separation, divorce, and addictions are the primary causes of parent/child relationship breakdown. The loss of parental recognition, relationship, and support is the primary cause of the feelings of abandonment.

An individual who has experienced abandonment will often go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned again. Many times, this involves living with and accepting emotional, physical, or sexual abuse in relationships and subsequent marriages. Others develop a relationship addiction, going from one uncommitted relationship to another just to avoid being alone. Some guard against relationships or isolate completely in order to avoid being abandoned. Sexual addictions provide the illusion of a controlled, protected, and depersonalized, fantasy relationship. The allure of having total control and not being abandoned by others can create a strong attraction to unhealthy relationships and sexual addictions.

Depression

Surviving family trauma involves the repression of emotions. Depression grows out of living with repressed emotions. Depression is a pervasive sad, melancholy mood. Symptoms of depression are varied and involve emotions and behaviors that may not be recognized as signs of depression. These include pervasive anger, fatigue, sleep problems such as insomnia or oversleeping, low self worth, over-eating or having a poor appetite, self hate or destructive thoughts, and hopelessness.

Depression that lasts six months or longer may have physical origins. This includes conditions such as major depression, bi-polar depression, dysthymic disorder, and milder forms of malaise. Depression is best treated using a combination of medical interventions and counseling.

Shame

Shame is often misunderstood. Psychological literature differs on whether it is a healthy or unhealthy emotion. Healthy shame is made up of deep guilt feelings resulting from a violation of our values. This type of shame is a result of making a mistake and serves as a strong motivation for remorse and correction of the problem. Unhealthy shame is rooted in a person’s belief that they are a mistake. This type of shame is addressed here.

Unhealthy shame is a master emotion that results from a developmentally damaged self-esteem. A person who suffers from shame believes that he is defective and a mistake. This perception is often established because of inconsistent parental responses to a child’s needs during early years of life. The child from a family of trauma believes that there is something foundationally wrong with him that compels parents and others to react to him in neglectful, teasing, unkind, or abusive ways. Shame is a strong foundational, spiritual lie that takes control of a person's life. The feeling of being defective and less important than others can occur at such an early stage of development that individuals believe that God created them this way.

Shame is referred to as a “master emotion” because it is a strong controlling dynamic within a person's life. Individuals filter most experiences and decisions through the perception of shame. If people who struggle with shame make a mistake, the problem is seen as a confirmation that they are a mistake. If a child is teased he sees the teasing as proof that his friends and peers can see that he is defective. Many times shame-based persons will avoid making decisions because they feel that they are flawed. For a person struggling with shame a common goal is to survive each day without others seeing that he or she is defective.